Noise Addiction

Published: 2024-04-09

I'm addicted to youtube.

More specifically, i'm addicted to the state of mind brought on by youtube. The disgustingly lethargic wanderings of a mind half-occupied, unable to think beyond the surface level. Hours spent with nothing to show for it except for the sickly taste of wasted time. In this stupor i'm terrified of being alone with my thoughts, terrified of not being engaged every single second. It's insidious how slowly it creeps up on you. I'm fine when i'm out, content to be alone in silence, but getting out is so hard. And getting in is so easy. One slip of conscious judgement and muscle memory kicks in. Re-watching a video essay i've seen a dozen times, watching someone play a game I lack the will to play myself, listening to a podcast I couldn't give less of a shit about. All just to have something in my ears. Anything not to cut off the digital stream of consciousness sharing space with my own.

I can get off for a few days at a time, maybe even a week. Then I lose my edge, an itch in the back of my head. Wanting something mind-numbing at the end of a long day before bed, a podcast on the train or out walking, a video sent by a friend and i'm right back in. A moment of weakness. It starts to take over my time again. So many things I prefer doing but don't have the mental bandwidth for, with so little that's left over from the processing of constant stimulus.

I read the same line of a book over and over, I stare at the blinking cursor of my emacs client, I refresh a forum for the 5th time in a row.

I hate it here, but I can't stop.